Celino's, Glasgow - Is this what heaven looks like?

All hail your new leader. KNEEL before the calzone!

You know that vacant, shiny feeling that you get when you walk into a home that has only been lived in for a month, or into a restaurant that just opened up? The sparkly, plastic, disposable vibe that comes with every new $tarbuck$ shrine? Well, there are a lot of lovingly put together restaurants in Glasgow which just ooze with charm, and which have been given a chance to age gracefully throughout their extremely long time in operation. They are the places I love, and I spend a lot of time tracking them down. Where every surface feels smooth and worn, the food has been prepared in the same way for decades, and everything has a place despite the whole restaurant looking like your grandfather's shed. Celino's is one of these rare spaces where all these elements come together to create the most homely, warm and welcoming atmosphere I've experienced since my last Christmas dinner with the whole family.

two of each, please.

You can tell before you walk in that it's not the sort of place where they ask if you want fries with that. The sidewalk chalkboard, the enormous sheet glass windows and the burgundy coloured awnings all have a very classic feel, and the crowded interior brings home that notion even more. You could be the only customer in the place, and you would still have to watch where you swing your elbows, thanks to the incredible abundance of imported Italian deli goods. Celino's have everything you have ever considered putting onto an antipasto platter, and then some. But this is not just a deli, it has a cafe / restaurant section behind the shelves which were overflowing with packets of dried pasta and olive oil.

Resisting the seductive section of salted deli meats and cheeses, my Glaswegian friend and I took our places at a tiny table next to a whole wall of italian sparkling wines and beers. At that point I really did not feel like I was in Scotland, where men have beards, wear kilts and drink whiskey neat. This just didn't seem masculine enough for Scotland. It was too warm in here. Too polite. Something needed to be done...

I ordered the very manly sounding Salsiccia (Italian Pork Sausage) Calzone, asking for as much meat and misery to be stuffed into it as they could manage without getting unwanted attention from Greenpeace. An icy cold pint of Italian Moretti beer to go along with it seemed appropriate, considering most wines would not stand up well to the veritable Pastry-Based-Noah's-Ark I had just put on order.

"I'd rather be curling up inside a giant calzone"

Considering how many animals I was expecting these guys to round up, it didn't take too long before the meal arrived. Oh. My. God. It was enormous. I love a generous portion, just ask the guy who sells me my trousers. But this thing was the size of my entire torso. Considering the price, I was expecting one of those 'large' pizza calzones which were originally just small pizzas before being rolled a few more times with the rolling pin. No, this was the sort of calzone that Han Solo could have crawled inside of to avoid being frozen to death on the planet Hoth.

And I thought it smelled good on the outside! Prizing open the soft crust revealed something akin to a farmyard mass grave. Lumps of chicken, beef, italian sausage and bacon all came tumbling out, gently held back by the loving embrace of the cheese and thick tomato sauce. The richness and meaty texture of the filling took over my senses. Aliens could have invaded during my meal, and I would not have been aware of it. I was blind to everything other than the calzone. The soft crust was a delightfully subdued intermission between mouthfuls of meat, filling a similar role to the wet towel used to refresh a boxer between rounds while he awaits the next onslaught. This dish was as close to perfection as I could have imagined or hoped a calzone could be. Even the humble sauce had plenty of fresh herbs ground into it, and small pieces of fresh garlic vying for attention from behind a wall of other powerful ingredients.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

The idea that Glasgow is probably not a place I will visit very often makes me tremendously sad, not only because I have friends there, but now also thanks to this restaurant. I haven't been to Italy yet, but I have had my fair share of Italian food (and yours too probably, sorry about that), and Celino's leaves absolutely everything else for dead. Next time you are considering ordering from somewhere like pizza hut, why not give Celino's a call and just see if they would deliver to your country, since it would be well worth the extra delivery charge.


The bill (for 1):
1 x Calzone Salsiccia - £9.95
1 x Pint of Moretti Beer - £4.25
TOTAL: £14.20 (Approx. US$22)


Restaurant address: 620- 624 Alexandra Parade, Glasgow, Scotland
Website: http://www.celinos.com

for exact locations of all reviewed restaurants, take a look at our map.